Moments, moments in time. . . . what a week! I am so absolutely grateful for the position I am at. I look around and see what I will be doing and excitement, peace, joy wrap around me. I have no doubts about my ability to do this, to do it well. I have no doubts about the job presented before me. Excitement wraps around. Yes, this is what I am suppose to do, this this this. . . . and then just as quickly as my joy for the new position came about frustration, crazyness beckons from the dark side of life. And I do mean craziness for there is absolutely no other means of describing it. How in the world can so much be right and at the same time so much wrong come about.
It is often a thought of mine, one of the reasons I so clearly dislike drama and all that it entails. . . one of the reasons I try so distinctly to steer clear of gossip and the like is that life itself is so filled with it I dont need to go looking for it. It always finds me no matter how hard I try to stay away, no matter how hard I hide from it in life. . . . it comes creeping about.
Craziness, chaos, vengence, pain, anger. .. . . Steve brings that about, brings it where ever he goes. . . he directs it towards women. I dont know why. I cant understand why. There was a time when I thought I could understand, could emphathize with what life had given him but that time has long since passed. His actions and words they speak of only power and control. His life is out of control, he has no control over anything. I remember seeing the pamphlet for domestic abuse and how the abuse is not so much about the physical pain inflicted but rather the power held within it. There is only one way to describe domestic abuse – craziness, absolutely crazy chaos. There is no rhyme or reason to it. There is no logic or understanding in it. It is chaos.
Monday I received chaos in the mail. A motion so crazy it would be laughable if the consequences for ignoring it would not be so tantamount to the children. The motion was sent on the 25th of April, I received it on the 29th. The court hearing is set for the 9th of May. I have had no other option except to try and respond to the motion though the motion did not get to me in adaquate time to allow for me to reasonably respond. A point I will try to drive home when it goes before the judge.
He is asking for the month of June and the month of December for visitation with the children. And on the surface one would think well this isnt so bad, he wants to see the children. . . he wants to be apart of their lives. However this is not where this began. We have gone round on this since last July/August when he first sent an attorney’s letter to me making demands that were so unreasonable that I could not in good faith agree. I tried to propose times and arangements that would be good for the children over and over. It wasnt good enough, it wasnt what he wanted and ultimately I am at the point that it wasnt his motive at all. It has been about power and control. For the motion he put forth went beyond simply asking for visitation. He demands that I pay $500 to him prior to the visitation to pay for his transportation in June and December. He demands that I pay all of his court costs and attorney fees for having to bring this motion forward.
Now if I had done anything to justify this I would understand. I have not. I have tried to work with him, tried to make arrangements so that he could see the children. But here is a bit of history to the story:
– In August 2008 Steve stopped seeing the children. He did not call before the scheduled visit. I offered to bring the children to him (handle transportation) and to bring food along so they would not go hungry. He refused, he had been layed off/fired? from his job.
– In December 2008 Steve filed a motion requesting a visitation expeditor. I followed the requirements of the court and did what I was suppose to for the expeditor. Steve made it clear that he wanted to bop in and out of the children’s life, see them when it was only convenient to him. I agreed to an afternoon visit so that the children would be able to have Christmas with their paternal grandmother and uncle. Steve refused to cooperate with the expeditor and I was left with my portion of the bill for the ordeal with no resolution put forth.
– February 2009 I was accepted at the University of Mississippi Experimental Psychology graduate school. I notified Steve that we would be moving in June of 2009 to Mississippi.
– In May of 2009 Steve requested and was granted an afternoon visit with the children before we moved. They spent a couple hours at the park.
– In June 2010 the children went back to Minnesota to visit their paternal grandmother and uncle, Steve was there for a 2/3 days to vist also. The visit was just short of 2 weeks. The children had a hard time being away from home for that long and expressed a great deal of homesickness after the first week.
– July 2011 the children went back to Minnesota for a visit with their paternal grandmother and uncle for a week/10 days. Steve was up there for 3/4 days.
– July 2011 Steve and I agreed for him to put the children on his health insurance due to the extreme increase in the cost of health care for me for the children.
– August 2011 I received Steve’s health insurance cards in the mail from the provider for the children and notified the child support agency that I was no longer carrying insurance that Steve was now carrying the insurance for the children. The child support agency deducted the amount Steve was paying towards medical insurance from the amount of child support he was paying.
– September 2011 discovered no dentist would accept the dental cards provided.
– July 2012 made arrangements for the children to travel back to Minnesota for a visit. The visit was canceled when Steve became abusive on the telephone when I could not accomodate his demands.
– August 2012 received first letter from Steve’s attorney requesting visitation with the children and called the attorney back expressing my request for the visitation schedule based on the children’s schedule.
After several letters and phone calls I knew that this was not going to work out. Steve had absolutely no intention of trying to come to any amicable agreement. In December of 2012 I received a letter requesting our youngest daughter for a tax deduction however our stipulation states he must be current on child support. He had finally become current in November and I replied that I would need to find out if this was justified as he had been behind for 11 of 12 months. I would reply well before the needed time frame for filing taxes. It wasnt good enough though for him. I also for the first time requested a modification in child support. In February I filed my taxes minus my youngest daughter and found out that someone else was using the other two children as tax deductions and that I would have to file a paper refund. I contacted the IRS and notified them of the issue and sent in the required documentation to show proof of dependency for all of the children.
The child support was modified and we attended a hearing to establish that I was again carrying insurance and that I should be the one to carry insurance. Steve wanted to continue to carry insurance on the children. I explained to the court that 1) my health insurance was now cheaper and thus more economical, 2) I could not use his health insurance here in Kansas because a) the providers here would not accept it and b) I only possessed expired cards and could not get new ones issued. The court sided with me and now I am carrying the insurance and Steve has to pay towards that insurance.
Now a month later I received this chaos in the mail. Somewhere along the line Steve told the children that he passed his driver’s license test. I imagine that the cost of motor vehicle insurance, the negating of whatever he thought would get from the IRS or has to pay back back to the IRS, the loss of control on the health insurance and my refusal to budge on what is in the best interest of the children set him over the edge. He will do anything to try and regain power in the situation but the thing is it is not about power, its not about who has control.. . . its about the children and how they are hurt by his demands right now. He has no thought that they have a life, that they are not 2 or 3 and actually have a life with friends and activities, that the time he is requesting runs directly in the middle of that. That the time he is requesting in December is taking them out of school for a month!! He is trying to usurp the existing court stipulation with his demands and trying to weasal his way into court putting the squeeze on me with the timeframe he has put forth.
Uggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel as though I am going crazy, and I guess that was his whole point in doing this.
