Did you know that in this last week, the last months, the emotions that went thru me? Do you know the trials that I endured? The joys I felt and how God moved in my daily life? The pain of rejection, pain of seeing those you love hurt again because of choices you made in the past, people you were intimate with purposefully hurting those you love and care about just to get even with you. Do you know the fear that went thru me each and every day as I tried to do the best for my family and feared I would not be able to overcome? Do you know the joy I felt when I knew, when I truly understood what was in store for me? Do you know the joy I found in trusting God, for accepting his mercy and forgiveness in every aspect of my life? Do you know the understanding I found only thru my God that I must live only by the principles he has instilled upon my heart? That I cannot deter from them in anyway. Have you ever truly listened to what I have said, of the intentions of my heart? I wonder and ponder for when we spoke I found once again that somehow what was said was not clear. That what had been said was all mixed up and twisted around? It lead me to believe that you either did not listen or did not believe what was said.
Do you know why I accepted your friend request? Do you know why I accepted your phone call? Or have you made judgment already upon my character? I have listened to your criticisms, and they have played out in my mind over and over again. Those criticisms helped me to rediscover how un-Christian my life was at that moment, in all ways. It was those criticisms that helped me, guided me to what God had been waiting for. That my life is his and I have hurt him deeply because I did not accept his forgiveness for what had occurred. It was those very criticisms that gave me the strength to say what I saw. Though I tried to speak the words in the most gentlest of manners, sometimes the truth hurts and no words I could have offered would have been right in the moment.
I’m sorry I would rather be a person you dislike and defriend than sit back and allow what was going on to continue. I believe true friends are not afraid to speak what they see. What I saw was not a figment of my imagination, it was not made up. I beg of you not to jump into another relationship. . . . not to seek out companionship. I know you will not listen. You will not hear. You need time for you and God, just the two of you. To heal in more ways than you know and to rediscover your relationship with him, to rediscover exactly why he has been letting you go on the path you have.
I am sad that I cannot be a part of that journey with you. I am sad that because of the rejection once again I feel as though there was not sincerity in your call, or with your intentions towards me. And which is why I so dearly believe that you need to spend some time away from the opposite sex, completely and totally.
I filtered out and what I saw was a remarkable man, with the Lord so passionately instilled within him that he brings those around him remarkable joy. I am sorry I failed you so. . . I wish you the best, always and forever. . . . and I miss you.
