You know there are moments when it becomes abundently clear. I got the message LOUD AND CLEAR today, though I have known the message over and over again. Not to allow others to influence ones own emotions, ones own peace. But no I think my Lord had some fun with me today, wanted to make sure I got the picture very clearly – and oh how he did.
Over the last few days my emotions have been on a bit of a roller coaster – highs with finally getting the alternator in and lows of rejection and dismissal all over again. Though I didnt know it I kept asking myself why, why did I allow the person back into my life, why when I knew that they would not accept another differing point of view? Why did he friend me? Why did I think he would understand? Why would he call? Did I really want to know the answers? Did I truly want to know the answers? I know why I answered, why I accepted his friend request. I believe him to be an inherently good person, an inherently caring person. I believe he has made choices in his life because of what has come about. I dont know for sure but I get the feeling, the inkling that he has not accepted forgiveness from God. I dont know for sure for it became very apparent that I know very little about him again.
My little story though begins this morning on my way to work. After all the hard work getting the new alternator in the car I was driving it to work. As is custom with my car I put it on cruise control and set the speed at 83. Half way to work I looked up and there was a trooper flashing his lights coming from the other direction. I didnt think much of it and moved from the left to the right lane as I passed a car on the road. A few minutes later I saw the trooper coming up from behind. The first thought that flew threw my brain was ‘huh, I wonder who he is racing after’ and by then he was pulling up behind me. Now on my way to work I had been battling negative thoughts the whole way up to this part. So now I pulled over and spoke with the officer. He told me he had clocked me at 88 mph and I was like there is no way, I was set on cruise and I was set on 83. I wasnt upset but more disheartened. I just shook my head and said I know Lord I need to clear my head. The trooper finally came back and though he was only giving me a warning reminded me that 83 was still 8 miles per hour over the speed limit. And I headed back to work, the message clear to keep my thought positive and on the day ahead.
With the slight delay on the highway I ended up 5 minutes late, something I dislike greatly. But I tried to keep a positive flow going, it was only a warning and there was no financial penalty. Shortly there after I discovered that there had been quite a day on Friday, quite a day!
Even now I can feel the emotional drain this morning took upon my heart. I knew the words even before I spoke and I had been speaking them over and over to myself.
Each of the ladies that work for me came in to our office and had to have a letting out of sorts, a freeing of speech and explaining what they had felt with what had occurred when I was gone on Friday. I swore I spoke the same words 3 different times, and by the time I was on the 3rd go round of the message I had to hide the smile upon my face for it was the exact words that I had so recently spoke to the prior two ladies.
the jist of what was said went something like this:
– criticism, its a good thing when we use it wisely. When one is criticised it is important for us to take a look at the criticism, really take a look at it. Is it truth? Is this really what is going on? Sometimes it is hard to accept, but the best advise sometimes comes as criticism because it is someone looking from the outside and seeing what is going on. It is easier to assess what is going on when one isnt influenced by ones own emotional state. So it is important to assess the criticism and weigh the heart of who and what is being said. If it is true, then it is a learning moment, a moment of growth. If it is not then it is time to toss it aside and move on. If what the person is saying has underlying motivation that is not for the good then it is probably not meant to be listened to. But each of us has to take that information and process it, weigh it and learn or let go of it. Holding onto it does no one any good, and it only disrupts our own peace.
– no victims allowed, let go of what others say to you, let go of the bad in each person, do not personalize it and take what they say the wrong way. Now this is often harder than one thinks and for these ladies it is often plays a big part of how they ended up here. I know what it is like to be a victim and I know what it is like to let go of that role and it is not easy. It hurt people that I cared about, it hurt to let go of it. But in order for me to take control back in my life I had to accept my part, my responsiblity in it and probably the biggest part, not accepting the responsiblity of another’s actions as my own.
– forgiveness begins with within, not towards another but towards oneself. When one forgives themselves for the choices they have made, when one accepts the forgiveness God has granted to each and every one of us, then it is no longer a need within ourselves to hold others accountable, to grant them forgiveness. You see, we then begin to accept and understand that we are all human and all fallable. But it is extremely important to begin by forgiving ourselves first. For me that means accepting God can and does forgive me. He knows my heart and he knows my beauty.
– next up was the not allowing others to use oneself, to be a rebound or accept what another is going thru as reason for their actions personally. Its hard because we want others to like us, accept us but the deal is if a person letting all of their emotional angst out in our direction we tend to take it personally. Stop, it is not worth it. We are all going thru different things, have different issues in our lives and until we walk in their shoes and until they walk in ours it does no good for anyone to take what they are doing personally.
` I had to shake my head on this one for it is most difficult for me to do. I want to understand, want to know why. And I had to shake my head because two of the ladies that have worked for me since I began here both asked how I do it – how I not let the way folks treat me affect me. I wanted to so laugh at this moment because I am as guilty of this as anyone, and though I dislike it immensely within myself I understand it is a human failing I hold. “W” laughed when I said this to her, spoke to her about not taking others actions and words personally. . . . how I dont ever seem to let any of the guards actions change how I act towards them, even when they treat me at times with the most disrespect and disdain. “D/R” went on about how she didnt know how I did it, how I seemed to let things just roll off my shoulders and keep being the person I am, not changing my actions or attitude. Least did they know that I had spent the last few days trying to shake off a person’s actions yet again. I blamed myself for opening the door, I blamed myself for being me with the person and allowing that persons rejection of what I had seen to affect my attitude yet again. Least did they know that the message God was imploring me to speak to them about was also the same message he was trying to get thru to me .. . . .
– I spoke to them about looking for the strengths in those around us, even when we have to dig a little deeper. To tell one another a positive good message each day, to wait and see what occurs, and to not expect anything back. I spoke of how we each need to work on our own weaknesses. That being apart of a team as we are we need to build one another up and work on our own growth individually for the team. It is all about team work, no matter where these ladies may one day go they will need to know how to do that and not allow others actions and behaviors to continue to influence them. Its about not being a victim of any kind (circumstantial or otherwise). It is about forgiving oneself and growing, finding the good in one another and building on that goodness. Its about not being afraid to succeed, to allow goodness to come into one’s life. And I spoke of how a single mom did not seek out assistance from a man but stepped out of her comfort zone and replaced an alternator on her own. Find the good things in life, rejoice in our accomplishments and forgive ourselves.
When it was all said and done, my emotions were drained. I found though that my focus was back again and I smiled, praised God for his mercy and his message. And suddenly I understood a song I had not before and a small smile went up on my face. . . . I dont know what God has in store for me, if he has plans for a person strong enough to ever face life’s hurdles along side me. I like the peace he granted me and I rejoice in it. And though the song is not directed at anyone I smile now when I hear it.
John 13:33-35
33 Little children, I shall be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and, as I told the Jews, where I am going, you cannot come.
34 I give you a new commandment: love one another; you must love one another just as I have loved you.
35 It is by your love for one another, that everyone will recognise you as my disciples.
