Well I guess here is as good as any place to put down in writing the goals and intentions I hold. It sort of surprised me not to long ago that someone did not realize that the goals and intentions I have have been here for a long time. Its been a sort of refining of what was there, who I am and what I wish for in the future. It most likely will not take a day, or even a month but possibly several years to get where I want to be.
For as long as I can remember I wanted a place out in the country. This has been refined in the last couple of years, refined and defined persay. It is not simply a place to have a large garden and to allow my children and grandchildren to run free knowing the beauty and grace of the land but now it has been defined as a minimum of 40 acres. 40 acres so that my boys can go hunting, 40 acres so that I may start a small orchard, 40 acres so that we may learn to live off of the land, off of God’s bounty. There are many steps to enable me to get to this place, to get to the place where I can actually begin to build an orchard. The first must be done by the end of this month and then I intend to work on the second part hopefully completing that by the end of the summer. It has meant learning and accepting many things. I know though that somewhere along the line we will succeed. Though I do believe that the success of having our own place will be just as scary as the journey if not more so, for then we will begin the journey of trying to manage a place of our own, build upon it and grow upon it to its fullest degree. It is somewhere that someday I hope to retire, to rely on eventually.
Another long held dream of mine was to help others out. Help them to discover the good within them, to help them build themselves up. I experienced just a bit of this with my stepdaughter and with girl scouts and at one time I had looked into it seriously. At the time and perhaps with God’s infinite wisdom it was not possible. My ex husband had a felony and it was not allowed to do what I had hoped to then. Its funny the people that have come into my life reminded me of this long held dream and it actually holds very close to my other dreams. Now without my husband I find that I am able to fulfill this dream of helping someone out. I smile at God, for I honestly believe it was his hand in all of this. I began classes not long ago and shortly I will become licensed. The background check came back fine and it is only a matter of getting things ready around the house. I am excited and scared about it. Scared that I wont be good at it, scared that I wont be good enough but I also trust God and know the mother he has made me to be. I am not perfect but I can help. I look at my children, all they have gone thru and I not only know what it takes to provide what a child needs most dearly I do what a child needs most dearly. It is also realizing that in so doing I am sacrificing another area of my life. For I know that to do this I will not be able to hope to date anytime soon, at least not in the worldly sense of the way. I have to hold my life up beyond reproach in as many ways as I can for the child or chidlren that come into my home. I will be doing this on my own without another so what I do needs to be done by the rules laid out by God if someone ever came along. I am actually okay with this for its funny I dont do well in a relationship in any other manner. I have to live by the values, the laws the Holy Spirit imparted upon my heart. And it follows the etics of a prayer that has come to mean so much to me, a prayer that I not only beleive but know for me I must act upon:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
All my other goals are a part of the ultimate plan, one leading to the other. Fixing my car, putting as much money into savings as I can, finding a position here in town. I am willing to do what it takes, follow the path laid out before me to get there. I had to chuckle when someone thought I might have been thinking of moving to the city – for they did not hear the words spoken fully, they did not know my heart or they imparted their own beliefs unto me for I have always said that is what I wanted, this is what I wanted. I would never move back to the city and I honestly dont believe God ever wanted me to. He knows my heart and is helping me bring all things together. When I spoke to another about why I didnt need to find a boyfriend, and I said it was because I will wait for God, only a man of divine cally would fit in my life . . . it was because I knew the path that lay ahead of me. That path allowed me, freed me from any hinderance to speaking truth when I saw it. For to be a good mother, to be a good daughter, to love others as Jesus loved us, loves us. . . . I must face the truths about myself and about others. Jesus granted us grace so long ago, he gave us mercy, and allowed that we may know God. I recall a long time ago saying most people dont like to debate with me, and it is true for when I am comfortable, when I am me I say the things I see as I see them. I dont do it to hurt anyone but I do it for their benefit, in the most gentle manner that I can. It is my goal to continue to do so, for in doing so I may bring hope where there is despair. If I did not I would be feeding into a life that only leads to despair.
Its not been easy, and that is another story altogether but I had to make some choices. Stand up and say these are my values and in a sense fight for what I believe to be right and true. It has meant not allowing just anyone in my life, removing people that bring drama and continue to make poor choices. I cannot compromise in this, there is no room for compromise with God, not in these areas. It doesnt mean my heart doesnt ache for them however he has taught me discernment and how valueable that is.
It was a long journey getting here but I will not compromise with my principles, with my values or my beliefs in this matter. I will not stand by and watch others do so either. I know the path I am on and I trust in God to be here guiding me along the way.
