Over the last few years I struggled with trying to figure out what had happened with my marriage, what was happening with my life. I had tried so hard to live by my principles, by the laws God wrote upon my heart, by the laws he instilled in me thru his word. I struggled and struggled with what had happened.
Over the last few weeks and months I believe God has shown me why I have struggled so, what happened and why. Somewhere along the line I began to compromise my principles, I began to compromise the laws God gave me to live by. They were small compromises at first, compromises made to soothe or lift up my husband. I think that was truly where it began. They were small little things along the way that I would give in to even when I knew they were wrong, even when I knew they were not the truth, even when I knew they were going against what God had said should be the way they go. Small little compromises with finances and with how we lived our lives, our daily life. Small little compromises like him not attending church or mass on a weekly basis and compromises by accepting the small excuses of not feeling comfortable in the church or not feeling fulfilled in the church. The small compromises of not caring fully for the house God blessed us with, for not utilizing all of our resources and finding fulfillment in the small treasures he had bestowed upon us. No, instead it was always more and more and I did not stand up and say hey wait we need to take care of what we have – no instead I trudged ahead trying to be the one to make things right, do things so that my husband would feel comfort and joy, do things so he would know how blessed we were.
Now I speak of this from what occured with me, however I have seen it in others – the compromises of faith, of giving way to worldly ways and how that continues down a path that is farther and farther away from the blessings God has given us, expects of us.
In any terms though as the compromises were made of the laws God had laid out one thing lead to another and finally came the day when my husband walked out. The path we had lead lay in broken pieces. I sit here now and know that part of the failure was mine. Would it have made a difference if I had not made those compromises? Would we have even been together if I had not made those compromises? I dont know and I will never know, I know I still love him in some far off distant way however those compromises distanted that love from keeping us together.
What it lead to was a distancing of my trust in God, in what God was doing in my life, in our lives. It lead to further and further choices and compromises in who I was, who God created me to be. Until finally I fell further and further, I compromised my spirit, my soul and was rewarded with the comment that the other only did so to comfort me. They had only been with me intimately because they wanted to comfort me. How degrading this was. It tore at my being to be told this. . . . The person could not be honest or truthful with me, had to hide their profile on facebook from me, and I dont know what else but I can only guess. I realized just what I had done. The truth bites, and when it does it bites big time!! I am so grateful for those that helped me thru that time. For helping me remember the principles I had held firm by until the failure of my divorce. I am so grateful that my children inherently believe that when a man and woman are together it is supposed to mean something more, that it is to mean that there is some sort of commitment there. For those children reminded me as well as an online friend that those were the things that I was sacrificing. Those principles were being sacrificed because in the end I had failed at living up to the principles God had bestowed in me.
I had failed so much, I could only think how everything that had happened was in reality just God slowly removing the blessing he had bestowed upon my life until then. I felt such shame and guilt at what I had done, at all the compromises I had made. I prayed and prayed no longer praying for others but praying that God would forgive me, grant me forgiveness for falling so. I turned back to my faith, began digging deeper and deeper. . . I had known this was coming could feel it coming but was not ready for so long. I despaired over what I had done, despaired the compromises I had made and at each turn I saw more and more compromises I had made. What a hypocrite I was, how far I had fallen.
I listened to the priest, and I was moved to attend classes at church. Slowly my eyes began to open, slowly. I still could not feel completely better and I dont when of if it will come about when I will ever feel completely restored. I am not sure if I ever truly want to be restored as I was for finally God has blessed me with just a bit of understanding and it still hurts so. I cannot compromise on what his will, his law. He has shown me how it affects others, how it affects me when I do so. He has shown me others that have made those same compromises or similar compromises and the pain they go thru because of it. He has showed me that if I expect another to stand in the principles he has placed down so must I. I cannot expect anyone else to live by their principles if I do not. Its as simple as that.
The truth is the truth no matter if no one believes it, and a lie is a lie even if everyone believes it.
I made a promise to God not long ago, that I would not shirk from that again. I would offer comfort and understanding while also staying true to his word, even if that means letting others walk away again. I cannot allow the compromises of others to enter my life for I will not make those compromises. I will not compromise the woman God created in me. If someone cannot handle that, they cannot handle me. 
I am no better than any other, I simply know that for me there are things in this life that are simply too important to compromise on. I learned that lesson, and though I thought I knew it well I had fallen from it.
So the lesson was revealed and I have been trying to follow the leasson learned. No compromises. If I do not speak up at which I see then I am compromising. I try not to speak what I see with harsh words and it is not in condemnation rather I value the person far more because I am willing to risk their rejection and their wrath in the truth. If they do not understand then they are not ready to here the words I have to say. . . and no matter how I try to console, no matter how I try to understand it will not be accepted.
What I learned is that in not compromising God has delivered me from so much and given me the strength to not simply do my will but his. For he has truly blessed me over the last few weeks, truly shown me how I can be his servant in all that I am and all that I do. Now he has opened the door that I may help feed the hunger, help the sick heal, he has opened the door that I may give understanding and comfort those most in need. There is so much excitement inside of me for this new path I can barely contain it at times. I feel so blessed to know that I will be able to help others, that I will be apart of feeding the lowest of the low. I am so incredibly humbled to have my life moving in this direction. And I have found a great deal of peace with the grace he so faithfully and lovingly bestowed upon me. Thank you God for bringing me thru the trials. I thank you so much for all that has happened I look at all the blessings he has given me and I feel like a child for I do not deserve them but he merciful granted me with such blessings.
